Are you feeling detached from reality? Is your throat slightly tight and feeling rather sore? Perhaps you have a twinge or two in your shoulder area? Do you feel a vague, debilitating ache in your stomach? If any of these symptoms apply to you, please don't worry your GP unnecessarily because these are merely symptoms of being hanged, drawn and quartered.
Being hanged, drawn and quartered isn't particularly pleasant but I always find my patients pick up when given a dose of Common Purpose and a jolly good arse-kicking combined with a prescription for apathy and a guilt-trip. It's normal to experience a twitch or two so don't be alarmed; it's only the
death-throes of a Nation and nothing to worry about.
My patients occasionally exhibit flights of fancy. For example, they might think that they're 'English' or that
society rots from the head down. I re-iterate that this is an aberration and the
local chemist is always pleased to dispense medication to deal with cognitive dissonance.
I advise my patients not to tell anyone of their symptoms lest they become the object of bullying and derision in their neighbourhood. Under normal circumstances I prescribe a darkened room with blinds drawn and on-demand access to the television News (the state-funded, EU-funded BBC is only available via your prescription); in that way they can more readily understand the reason for their vague aches and pains and finally accept reality.
We have blue pills, red pills, white, pink and yellow pills so, please, make an appointment soon so that the State can make your nasty nightmares go away.