"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or your arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen."

Monday, 25 October 2010

Beltway Adventure

Fantastic spoof from Iowahawk. It's long but worth it. (I bet it won't take you as long to read as it took me to re-format for Blogger though!)

WELCOME TO ADVENTURE! WOULD YOU LIKE INSTRUCTIONS?
> YES

YOU ARE SOMEWHERE IN BELTWAY FOREST, WHERE SOME HAVE FOUND TREASURES OF GOLD ALTHOUGH SOME HAVE ENTERED AND NEVER BEEN SEEN AGAIN. MAGIC IS SAID TO WORK IN THE FOREST. I WILL BE YOUR EYES AND HANDS. DIRECT ME WITH SIMPLE COMMANDS.
YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. THERE IS SNOW OUTSIDE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. ON DESK THERE IS A BUST OF CHURCHILL.
YOU HAVE A CONGRESS.
YOU HAVE A SENATE.
YOU HAVE A MEDIA.
YOU HAVE A TELEPROMPTER.
YOU HAVE A MILITARY.
YOU HAVE A BIG JET.
YOU HAVE $3 TRILLION OF GOLD.
YOU HAVE 82% APPROVAL HEALTH.
THERE IS 7.2% UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST.
YOU HAVE A RACE CARD.
YOU HAVE INAUGURAL PARTY LEFTOVERS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>EAT LEFTOVERS
>RETURN BUST

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. ON DESK THERE IS NO BUST OF CHURCHILL. THERE ARE NO MORE LEFTOVERS. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>GIVE SPEECH

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 81%. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>NAME TEAM
ENTER TEAM NAMES. GIVE THEM WEAPONS AND SPECIAL POWERS SEPARATED BY COMMA. WHEN YOU ARE DONE PRESS CTL-T
>BIDEN, BRAIN
>HILLARY, RESET BUTTON
>HOLDER, LAW
>GEITHNER, GOLD
>RAHM, CURSES
>AXELROD, MUSTACHE
>SEBELIUS, HEALTH
>LAHOOD, LIGHT RAIL
>CULVER, FOOD
>CHU, AIR
>GOOLSBY, BLACK MAGICK
>GIBBS, MOUTH
>DUNN, FEMALE MOUTH
^T
DO YOU WANT CZARS?
>Y
ENTER CZAR NAMES SEPARATED BY COMMA. WHEN YOU ARE DONE PRESS CTL-T
>JONES, JENNINGS, HOLBROOK, CROWLEY, RATTNER, MONTGOMERY, BERSIN, HAYES, ROSS, STERN, ROSENTHAL, VOLKER, BROWNER, DUBOIS, DAVIS, FRIED, DEPARLE, KUNDRA, BLAIR, MITCHELL, FEINBERG, SUNSTEIN, HOLDREN, DEVANEY, GRATION, ALLISON, CHOPRA, BRENNAN, CARRION, CARTER, SAMORE
I'M SORRY. THAT IS AGAINST THE CONSTITUTION. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>IGNORE CONSTITUTION

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. YOU ARE BORED. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>GIVE RESET BUTTON TO RUSSIA, BUY CAR COMPANIES
HOW MANY CAR COMPANIES?
>2
THIS WILL COST $85 BILLION OF GOLD. YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU HAVE 2 CAR COMPANIES. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH THEM?
>GIVE TO UNIONS

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 67%. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.1% WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>STIMULATE ECONOMY
HOW?
>$1 TRILLION TARP
YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH GOLD FOR THAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>BORROW GOLD
FROM?
>CHINA
WHO DO YOU WANT GOLD TO GO TO?
>BANKING AND INSURANCE FRIENDS

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 61%. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.3% THE FOREST PEASANTS ARE COMPLAINING. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>DEMONIZE BANKS, DEMONIZE INSURANCE, BLAME BUSH

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 61%. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.5% WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>GIVE SPEECH
CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR SPEECH HAS WON NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>FLY JET
WHERE?
>EUROPE

YOU ARE IN A PALACE. YOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF QUEEN. WHAT DO WANT TO DO?
>GIVE QUEEN IPOD
YOU ARE IN OSLO. YOU ARE IN TUXEDO. WHAT DO WANT TO DO?
>ACCEPT PEACE PRIZE
YOU ARE IN COPENHAGEN. YOU ARE IN FRONT OF COMMITTEE.
>REQUEST OLYMPICS
YOU ARE ON BIG JET. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
>MIDEAST
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO THERE?
>APOLOGY SPEECH
YOU ARE IN A PALACE. YOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF FAT KING. HE SMELLS BAD. HE IS WEARING BED SHEET. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>BOW
YOU ARE ON BIG JET. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
>BELTWAY

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. ON THE DESK IS A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 58%. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.6% WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>STIMULATE ECONOMY
HOW?
>$1 TRILLION RECOVERY ACT
I'M SORRY, YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH GOLD FOR THAT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>BORROW FROM CHINA
I'M SORRY, CHINA DOES NOT WANT TO LEND YOU GOLD. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>PRINT GOLD
WHERE DO YOU WANT GOLD TO GO TO?
>CONSTRUCTION SIGNS, WHATEVER
DO YOU WANT CONGRESS TO HELP?
>Y

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 55%. YOUR CONGRESS HAS 31% HEALTH. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 8.9% YOUR FRIEND AT HARVARD IS ARRESTED BY POLICEMAN. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>CALL POLICEMAN STUPID, PLAY RACE CARD
I'M SORRY, THAT DID NOT WORK. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>BEER, SUMMIT, BLAME BUSH

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. ON THE DESK IS A TELEPHONE AND A TV. THE TELEPHONE RINGS. IT IS COPENHAGEN. YOU DO NOT GET THE OLYMPICS FOR CHICAGO. A PEASANT ON TV FROM CHICAGO CALLS FOR TEA PARTY REVOLT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>NATIONALIZE HEALTHCARE
I'M SORRY, THIS NAME WILL NOT WORK. DO YOU WANT TO CALL IT SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
>REFORM HEALTHCARE
YOU WILL NEED A CONGRESS AND SENATE TO "REFORM HEALTHCARE" IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>TELL CONGRESS TO REFORM HEALTHCARE

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE WITH GENERALS. AFGHANISTAN IS GOING BAD. IRAN IS BUILDING NUCLEAR BOMBS. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>PLAY GOLF

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. ON THE TV ARE TOWN HALLS. AT THE TOWN HALLS ARE PEASANTS. THEY ARE YELLING AT YOUR CONGRESS. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>ATTACK PEASANTS
WITH WHAT?
>MEDIA
WHAT WEAPON?
>RACE CARD
THE PEASANTS ARE NOW ANGRIER. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>ATTACK PEASANTS
WITH WHAT?
>UNIONS
WHAT WEAPON?
>FISTS, NIGHTSTICKS

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. ON THE TV ARE YOUR CZARS. YOUR CZARS ARE PRAISING COMMUNISM. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>PLAY RACE CARD, VOICE SUPPORT FOR CZARS
I'M SORRY, THIS DOES NOT WORK. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>THROW CZARS UNDER BUS
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE A SUPREME COURT VACANCY. WHO DO YOU WANT TO APPOINT?
>WISE LATINA
YOU SEEM TO BE HAVING PROBLEMS. DO YOU WANT TO SET PRIORITIES?
>Y
ENTER TOP PRIORITIES SEPARATED BY COMMAS.
>HEALTH CARE, CHILDHOOD OBESITY, ECONOMY, GAS MILEAGE, GITMO, JOBS, CONSTRUCTION SIGNS, LIGHT RAIL, MUSLIM SELF ESTEEM, GOLF HANDICAP, WAR
DO YOU NEED A CIGARETTE BREAK?
>Y
ADVENTURE WILL RESUME WHEN YOU PRESS F12
>[F12]

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE STANDING IN FRONT OF CONGRESS. ON THE DESK IS DRAFT HEALTH CARE BILL. DO YOU WANT TO READ?
>N
YOU CANNOT SIGN HEALTH CARE BILL UNTIL IT PASSES THROUGH CONGRESS RULES. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>CHANGE RULES, RAM THROUGH
CONGRESS SAYS THEY ARE AFRAID OF PEASANTS.
>TELL CONGRESS TO ATTACK PEASANTS
HOW?
>RACE CARD, CHOKE HOLDS

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 49%. HEALTH CARE BILL IS STALLED. YOUR CONGRESS HAS 16% HEALTH. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 9.5%. YOUR TEAM IS SHOPPING THEIR RESUMES. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>ADD PAGES TO HEALTH CARE BILL
HOW MANY?
>1826
DO YOU WANT TO READ NEW HEALTH CARE BILL?
>N
HEALTH CARE BILL NOW COST $1 TRILLION. HOW WILL YOU PAY?
>PRETEND IT COSTS $0
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU NOW HAVE HEALTH CARE BILL. DO YOU WISH TO SIGN?
>Y
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH HEALTH CARE BILL?
>GIVE TO PEASANTS AS XMAS GIFT

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 46%. YOU HAVE LOST 3 CONGRESSMEN TO PEASANTS IN SPECIAL ELECTION REVOLT. YOUR CONGRESS HAS 11% HEALTH. UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST IS 10.0%. WAR IS GOING BAD. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>PLAY GOLF, RENAME WAR
GIVE NEW NAME TO WAR.
>OVERSEAS CONTINGENCY OPERATION

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. THE GOVERNOR IN ARIZONA FOREST IS THREATENING TO ENFORCE YOUR IMMIGRATION LAWS. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>ATTACK ARIZONA
HOW?
>RACE CARD, HOLDER
HOLDER IS BUSY LOOKING FOR NEW YORK COURT FOR TRIAL FOR TERRORISTS. I MEAN UNDOCUMENTED GUEST DISSENTER. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>PLAY GOLF

YOU ARE ON A GOLF GREEN. YOU ARE STANDING NEXT TO A GOLF CART. ON THE GOLF CART IS A SUITCASE WITH A RED PHONE. THE PHONE RINGS. IT IS CONGRESS. THEY ARE EVEN MORE SCARED OF PEASANTS, WHO ARE EVEN MORE PISSED OFF. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>CALM CONGRESS
HOW?
>TELL TO WORK ON CAP AND TRADE
YOU SEEMS TO BE HAVING PROBLEMS. WOULD YOU LIKE HELP?
>Y
ENTER YOUR HELPERS SEPARATED BY COMMAS.
>MSNBC, NYT, ACORN, SEIU, MOVE ON, NETROOTS, SOROS
ARE YOU SURE?
>Y
SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU SURE?
>Y
I'M NOT TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW TO PLAY THE ADVENTURE, BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT REALLY QUALIFIES AS "HELP." ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?
>Y
OKAY, YOU'RE THE BOSS. PLEASE ENTER THE NUMBER OF PUFF PIECES YOU WANT.
>180
PLEASE ENTER THE NUMBER OF ATTACK PIECES YOU WANT.
>5276
ATTACK PIECES HAVE BACKFIRED. MEDIA IS AT 0% HEALTH. ACORN IS AT 0% HEALTH. CONGRESS IS AT 7% HEALTH. THERE ARE A LOT MORE PEASANTS OUT THERE THAN YOU THOUGHT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>BLAME BUSH
THAT DOES NOT WORK ANYMORE.
>BLAME BANKS
THAT DOES NOT WORK ANYMORE.
>BLAME PALIN
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A DISTRACTION?
>Y
I'M SORRY, THE PEASANTS ARE NOT EASILY DISTRACTED.

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU ARE BEHIND A DESK. YOU HAVE LOST RAHM. PEASANTS ARE LOSING THEIR HEALTH CARE. PEASANTS ARE MARCHING ON THE BELTWAY. THERE IS 9.6% UNEMPLOYMENT IN THE FOREST. YOUR APPROVAL HEALTH IS 42%. YOUR CONGRESS HAS 1.3% HEALTH. YOUR CONGRESS WILL NOT RETURN YOUR CALLS. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>TURN LEFT
EXCUSE ME?
>TURN LEFT
WHOA. FOR A MINUTE THERE I THOUGHT YOU TYPED 'TURN LEFT'.
>I DID! TURN LEFT
UMM, ANY PARTICULAR REASON?
>ENERGIZE BASE
BY "BASE", DO YOU MEAN THAT REPULSIVE COLLECTION OF SNIDE FUCKWIT URBAN HIPSTER TWATS?
>Y
HOW?
>CAR DITCH SLURPEE JOKE
BASE ENERGY FAIL. STIMULUS FAIL. HEALTH CARE FAIL. TARP FAIL.

YOU ARE IN AN OVAL OFFICE. YOU HAVE 41% APPROVAL HEALTH. YOU HAVE NO GOLD LEFT. YOU HAVE NO CONGRESS LEFT. YOU HAVE NO MEDIA LEFT. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>BLAME BUSH
I'M SORRY, THAT DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE.
>PLAY RACE CARD
I'M SORRY, THAT DOESN'T WORK ANYMORE.
>PLAY GOLF
GOLF COURSE IS CLOSED.
>TURN LEFT
DUDE.
>FAKE TURN RIGHT
ADVENTURER PLEASE, YOU'RE JUST EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.
>^C
>^C
>^C
I'M SORRY, THERE IS NO ESCAPE KEY. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>

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